Quality Time
After my singles class at church on Sunday, I had my first substantive conversation with Engi'dear. It was sparked by a statistic that had been highlighted in the video we had just watched---apparently couples that date two years or more before getting married have half the divorce rate of couples that date less than two years before heading to the altar. Obviously there are exceptions--the pastor facilitating our class has been married about 15 years, and he said that he had dated his wife for six weeks, proposed, and then married her eight weeks after that. (Granted, they'd been spending a lot of one-on-one time as strictly platonic friends for a year before the courtship commenced).
Anyway, in the post-video group discussion, one of the girls up front---I'm guessing she was in her mid-thirties--said that as you get older, it takes less time to figure out whether a relationship is going to work. She said that she was pretty much able to figure out what a guy was about within a week! I will admit that I recoiled in horror at the first mention of the two-year benchmark. I mean, two years is cool if you're still in college or not far from it, but it sounds like an awful long time once you're grown up.
So I asked Engi'dear what his take was. He said that in his experience, there are a lot of things that you can't possibly know about yourself, your partner, or the dynamics of the relationship before at least the two-year mark.
Hmmm. I don't think I have enough experience to make an informed judgment here. As I said, my gut reaction is that two years is a long time for the post-grad school set to hem and haw about a potential spouse. But then again, I've never actually dated anyone for two years.
Thoughts?
posted by Tamika at 9:04 AM
9 Comments:
Well since I've known my hubby of five months for only one year and eight months, my opinion may be suspect...
First, I agree with the woman in the front.
Second, I also heard the two-year spiel and gave it some thought. That thought was discarded when MWAME came on the scene.
Third...shoot, we just need to meet for coffee 'cause I can't put all this in the comments section.
Oh, and if you do take up with engi'dear, remember to delete these posts before ever letting on that you have a blog ;-)
2:26 PM
I'm definitely gonna take you up on the coffee date, lady, since there's more to this story than I could put in a post. I would have made it longer and juicier, but I knew I would probably need to delete it soon. ;-)
3:18 PM
I have thoughts about that as well. I suppose, like HLPE, my opinion may be suspect. Perhaps I can get in on some coffee action...
4:09 PM
I'll say it's luck of the draw. Sometimes you find a good one. Sometimes you don't. I don't. Don't worry. It's not you. It's me.
:)
5:21 PM
Sweet gal, I'm sorry to hear about your illness, but I hope the time off was nice, albeit stuffy nosed, etc.
I have to agree with front row woman, but also second kjerste's notion that my opinion is skewed. My honey and I were married on the 1st anniversary of our 1st official date. And then my parents were engaged after 6 months of dating and only didn't get married right away because my mom had to wait for her older sister to get married. They've been together 30 years now.
But back to front row woman...I was beginning to notice that I too took much less time as I got older to determine that a relationship wouldn't ultimately work out. On the other hand, it took me little time to recognize the right one.
I don't think any time frame could work for all. A general idea of time might be good to keep in mind if you want it, but I don't know. My friend once said you should spend at least 2 years in a job before you know if it's right for you or not, and before you decide to move on. I think that's pure, unadulterated balogna!
Well, in the end it's the old cliche to the rescue...only you know what's right for you. I can hear the devil's advocate on the left shoulder whispering, "sure, just like those divorced people knew what was right for them." Touche.
Anyway, I'm going to shut up now and wish you fun! Welcome back to symptom-free land.
7:40 PM
Well, since I live too far away now to come to coffee (shed a tear) I'll give you my 2 cents here. Todd and I met online, and then we moved in together 3 months later. He proposed 6 months after that. Then our engagement was over a year. So it does mean that we knew each other for a while before getting married, but we knew we were going to get married early in the game. I think that sometimes, you just know. If it's the right person, taking 2 years to get to know someone just might not be necessary. And if it takes 2 years to be sure, I think it could possibly mean that there's something wrong. Of course, it depends on the people -- I'm not hatin'.
And I also agree with the woman in the front.
5:52 AM
Okay, I need to add more: I think that quicker skips to the alter happen because two people are on the same path and are ready. I think those who take longer, say two or three years, may also be on the same path, though moving together slowly. But like Kisa says, it's what works best for you and your Dear.
3:42 PM
I have to second some of the other ladies' comments, although clearly it is time for us to visit Denny's for the annual marathon chat.
I say also, *no set timeline* for everyone, and it tends to be shorter as we get older just because people are more settled with where they are in life, know what they want/like/hate, and may be actively seeking their mate-and so are ready. If you go looking for a hubby, you are already mentally assessing from the start. If you are just going about your life and happen to meet someone, maybe that assessment isnt in high-drive.
Although Helga might say there is 'something wrong' with us, I dated hubby for 4-5 years before marriage, depending how you count it, but for 2-3 of those we were in grad school (a black hole I have little memory of) so it was more about school then relationship then, and then right after that I didn't know where I wanted to live and was obsessing about work. In other words, just getting life together and not really focusing yet on the whole family/husband thing. Meanwhile some men feel the need to be at a secure place in their career before they are ready...must be that old provider instinct for some of them. Once we did get engaged, we had most of our wedding planned within a month and everyone said 'what!? so fast?' But when we were ready, we were ready.
Also I do think some time together certainly helps because as adorable as people are in writing love letters or on the phone or on dates, compatibility as partners dealing with the daily mundane things that make up life is incredibly important. (i.e. are they a functioning adult? ;) ) And I heard somewhere that after age 25, it's exceedingly difficult to alter one's personality.
So there's my two cents.
12:31 AM
Take note of life patterns even for your commenters as their relationships developed, and their pattern of advice / perspective. Those at a stable life stage, finished school and stable work patterns: It can happen sooner. Others are completing full-time graduate studies, at the time of their meeting: need more calendar time to devote, and also to get a sense of life patterns after school. The maturity/life stage when they met and the time each is able/willing to devote will determine how much calendar time will elapse from first meeting until the relationship is potentially ready for marriage commitment.
12:07 PM
Post a Comment
<< Home